The Late Night Packet That Was Never Submitted

Note: I started this draft back in February but it remained unpublished because I forgot. Better late than never! Published on April 1, 2019.

This year I’ve made writing my priority. And by that I mean I’m submitting and pitching to as many contests, fellowships, and publications as I can. However, just because I want to write doesn’t mean I actually want to write. Hence, procrastination. And missed deadlines, like NBC’s Late Night Writer’s Workshop.

It’s really stupid. I completely forgot about how long it would take me to write the non-packet stuff, like my bio. And as I looked at my computer screen eight minutes before the deadline, I knew there was no way I could finish in time.

So instead, I stuffed my face with a free honey butter chicken biscuit from Whataburger at 2 a.m. that I earned through my Whataburger rewards app. And it did not taste very good. Probably because I was so angry with myself. But also because it was not prepared very well. Anyway…

I can still use some of the packet for next year’s submission, like the desk bits and maybe one of the sketches. But the monologue jokes were topical, and even just reading them now, a few weeks later, they already feel dated. This packet was just due January 18, 2019. Time sure flies.

Since I can’t use the monologue jokes, I thought I’d share them right here. So, without further ado, here are the monologue jokes from my unsubmitted late night packet.

Late Night Writer’s Workshop 2019 – Monologue Jokes 

The US currently has a $1.4 billion cheese surplus. It’s the largest stockpile of cheese in a century. Well, second largest. [Photo of President Trump]

Baby Center released its annual list of the most popular baby names of 2018. Sophia and Jackson topped the list again; Emory and Weston were the least popular; and if you named your baby John or Karen, you didn’t even try.

The CDC has selected Austin for its first study of the health risks of dockless scooters. The study will look at injuries reported to area hospitals, as well as band-aid sales at Walgreens.

Freshman U.S. Congressman Joe Cunningham was stopped from entering the House Floor when he tried to walk in with a 6-pack of beer. He was last spotted at a nearby Chili’s for his weekly meeting with the Presidente Margarita.

Scientists have found a 3.6 million-year-old human skeleton, making it the oldest, most complete skeleton of an ancestor ever found. The scientists have named the skeleton Larry King.

Uber plans to have flying vehicles called air taxis in Los Angeles by 2020. Also in Los Angeles in 2020, air taxis dropping from the sky after an air gridlock on The Air 405.

Former mayor of San Antonio Julián Castro announced earlier this month that he will run for president in 2020. If he wins, that would make him the first Hispanic President of the United States. “That’s fair,” said Ted Cruz, who let go of his White House ambitions decades ago. [Photo of Ted Cruz in high school dressed as a biblical mime]

Día de los Muertos is a tradition in Mexico where people remember family and friends who have died. It’s also the tradition where Becky takes one too many tequila shots and wishes she died.

Facebook’s 10 Year Challenge is where people share their profile photos from 10 years ago alongside their current one to compare how much they’ve changed. Critics are calling it an attempt to gather data for facial recognition software. The rest of us are calling it body dysmorphia.

Netflix has warned fans against a new dangerous trend called the Bird Box Challenge where participants blindfold themselves and wander outside much like the film Bird Box. I, for one, think that people should continue this trend. Traffic’s only getting worse, and the flu isn’t working fast enough.

China became the first country to plant and sprout seeds on the moon. But just one day later, the plants died when lunar night fell and temperatures reached -280 degrees Fahrenheit. Don’t worry, China. Everybody’s first time ends way earlier than expected and is equally disappointing.

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